Hannah.

'' Ah Lord Pinkerton ? '' an emboldened mature lady around my mother 's age accosted me as I lounged amiably enough with my cronies at the Misses Fotheringay 's ball at Southam Courtenay, `` Have you met my daughter Molly ? ``

I looked past the matron and there through the fug of poisoning I believed I beheld an backer, a great visual sense in gleaming virginal white, and at second glance an improbably plump one, `` No, I have n't had the pleasure, '' I agreed uncertainly for the sweet Mull-berry wine had had its effect on me.

'' I should hope not ! '' Algy declared, `` For she may have two peg, two arms, two breast and two optic, though remarkably dis similar, but two chins Johnno, well you must take in a line somewhere ! ``

'' Ah, '' I agreed with a contented burp, `` Indeed. ``

Poor mollie turned and fled as fast as her considerable majority would allow.

'' You sir are an abomination ! '' the female parent averred.

'' Fattening her up for Christmas, '' Bobby Fawkes chipped in, `` I like a plump chick at Xmas ! ``

'' I 'd like to sit down, '' I suggested as I regretted mixing French and English people wines so early in the evening.

'' You slight me sir ! '' the matron avowed.

'' Tell me, '' I asked, `` You have but one chin, a sparse weasel like face, a narrow waist, thin spindly legs beneath that nightdress I 'll wager, so how did you bear a baby elephant for a girl ? '' It was said by way of an honest search for the truth.

'' I shall not remain to be insulted ! '' the matron replied.

'' Oh, shall you go elsewhere ? '' Bobby enquired.

'' Oh it was no affront madam, '' Algy insisted, `` No Johnno seeks to bed you. ``

She half smiled, `` Indeed, then I shall inform my husband, Lord Garth. ``

'' That great oaf, '' Samuel Verney added, `` I should quake in my flush if it were me. ``

'' gentlewoman, '' I added, `` I have no great desire to make love to you, '' I insisted, `` Though I should certainly favour you in my bed to that great ox of a daughter, for she would surely break the bed chassis ! '' It seemed funny at the time, you understand but the side by side matter Algy had to step forward to halt the matron striking me.

I can not recollect much of the evening after that, but in the fullness of time I awoke in a bed in the Red Lion Inn in Southam Whiston with the sun high in the noon day sky and the tube and drum band of the Caithsby militia playing inside my skill.

'' Oh my head, '' I croaked.

'' So you are not dead ? '' an unfriendly female person vocalisation boomed around inside my skull.

'' No madam. '' I agreed, `` Though if I spent the dark with you I wish I were. ``

'' Indeed, '' she boomed,

'' Can you please keep the noise down. '' I asked, `` My headway is bursting ! ``

'' You insulted my daughter molly, '' she insisted.

'' Oh god, Mrs Garth, '' I groaned.

'' Lady Garth, '' she corrected me, `` What do you intend to do about it ? '' she demanded.

'' Absolutely nothing madam, for she is fat as a pig, '' I explained, `` I own I 'd rather buss a pig than Molly, on account of the lesser bit of chins they display. ``

'' Very well then, '' she said and began to shout, `` Unhand me you drunken oaf, '' and with theatrical flair she tore at her bodice and through its fine quaity and exquisite acerate leaf body of work she dislodged but one unfrequented button where she sought to expose her bosoms to plain view.

'' Lord Pinkerton I am a married charwoman ! '' she protested and right on cue my threshold opened and there were Molly and the Inn keeper 's maid as witness and Lord Garth himself, a frail creature of apparently octogenarian vintage though in trueness he was but sixty such it was said was the voracity of Lady Garth 's nighttime time demands that he had aged twenty geezerhood in the maiden six calendar month of marriage.

'' Hold hard young Pinkerton, why are you dallying with the mem sahib ? '' he asked.

'' No idea sir, '' I explained, `` Your girl is fat as a pig sir, '' I said inelegantly, `` lady Garth came to remonstrate.

'' Carry on then, '' he said from the doorway.

'' Daddy Lord Pinkerton has shown entire disrespect for myself and our family, '' Molly cried.

'' But you are as fat as a pig dear, '' Lord Garth admitted and nodding towards his wife he continued, `` And watch over that one for she 'll eat you alive sir, '' he added as an after thought.

'' But my honour, challenge him Lee Harvey Oswald, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Challenge, why he would win hands down, '' Lord Garth averred, `` No you challenge him if you see fit, I am taking a walk around the parking lot, trade good day. ``

Lady Garth stared in mental rejection, `` He, '' she started to say.

'' Is a very wise man, Lady Garth, '' I added, `` May I wish you dependable day ? ''

'' No indeed you may not ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Not until this matter is settled. ``

I groaned, my head was far from cleared yet, `` Then allow me some privacy that I may tog, ''
I asked reasonably enough.

'' No, I shall continue, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Then so be it, '' I suggested and I pulled my night shirt clean and jerk over my head to support defenseless, sadly incognizant that my cronies had writ `` Pinkertons Prong a shilling an hour, '' across my belly in lamp black in the depths of the night.

'' Oh ! '' lady Garth cried in surprise, `` Its Brobdingnagian ! ``

'' Oh, its Brobdingnagian ! '' cried molly in alarm system,

'' Oohh, its huge, '' the maid said admiringly as sensing the scent of a char my prong raised himself to his full eight inches and More of extension.

'' Put it away sir you will frighten the sawbuck, '' nobleman Garth said as he returned to seek the reason of the commotion, `` Or else do someone an hurt. ``

'' Ooohh yes what an hurt, '' the maid simpered.

'' Damn it where 's me rear of barrel, '' I cursed as my night shirt descended to drape itself around the theme of my prong leaving him straining still.

'' Marigold, stop staring, '' Lord Garth councelled, `` married woman come away ! '' he repeated.

'' Mummy did he do it ? '' a refreshing voice asked.

I looked an another maid had appeared, dressed in a simple White person fracture, her face like the female parent perhaps yet twenty years her Jnr, gloomy eyed and blonde of fuzz, svelte where the baby was porcine, well proportioned where the babe was piggish, carnival of face where the babe was distinctly porcine, and she regaled my prong with a steely gaze as her whisker flowed untamed around her shoulders.

'' front away young lady ! '' Lord Garth cried, but to no avail and though I knew it not at once the maidservant was smitten.

'' Uh, it 's Brobdingnagian ! '' she said, `` poor Mummy ! ``

'' Hannah ! '' peeress Garth cried, `` Look away, normal men are not so well endowed, so fear not. ``

'' Earl Marchington ? '' Hannah asked.

'' How should I know, probably not, '' Lady Garth blushed, `` My Hannah is betrothed to Earl Marchington. ``

'' What old Freddie ! '' I asked.

'' No the old duffer, '' Hannah admitted, `` Freddie 's daddy, '' she continued, `` He is rich, we are not. ``

'' Your daughter is most forward sir, '' I suggested as I tried to cover my prong even as the throng pushed into my room as more joined to enquire the commotion.

'' I 'd be wed by now if only Molly would get herself betrothed, '' Hannah argued.

'' Oh I see ! '' the fog cleared, slowly, `` And I have the only prong long enough to perforate the voluptuous mounds of human body that protect molly 's ah, observe ? ``

'' Yes in a nut shell. '' God Almighty Garth suggested.

'' Just get out all of you ! '' I demanded.

'' Then I demand one hundred guinea of I shall report that you abused me carnally in the night ! '' noblewoman Garth said triumphantly.

'' Did I ? '' I queried, `` How ? ``

'' Oh what a question ! '' she snorted.

'' Indeed, '' God Almighty Garth confessed, `` There are an hundred and more that will certify to waking up with my Lady Garth. ``

'' Silence you imbecile, '' Lady Gath replied, `` You make me sound like a woman of the street ! ``

I looked around, there were seven crowded into the midget room, the box bed and ward robe encroached further and there was still no sign of my breeches, nor undergarments.

'' And where exactly do you suppose we conjoined ? '' I asked. `` On the storey ? '' I spread my blazon wide indicating there was an insufficiency of outer space, `` Or in the box bed ? '' I enquired.

'' On the bed of course of instruction ! '' the mother insisted.

'' And where should your spread legs go ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, indeed, '' Lord Garth agreed, `` The slope of the box bed would entrench most painfully. ``

'' With mamma on top then, '' Hannah declared.

'' Really, '' I enquired and I lay back on the bed and showed just how tightly the side of meat fitted me, `` And where would her genu go. ? ``

There was a rustling of linen, a white angel appeared and leapt upon the bed like a playful gun dog, `` Like so ! '' Hannah insisted, and she planted a knee each position of my hip bones.

'' Your mother is neither lithe nor agile as you ! '' I declared.

'' But it is potential, '' Hannah insisted.

'' Hannah get down this instant ! '' noblewoman Garth cried, `` You are betrothed ! ``

But it was all too late for she began to sink down, as as she did she pulled her shift and mine so that no one saw my prong slide up the strawman of her paunch and all believed I had pronged her.

'' Hannah ! '' lady Garth cried, `` Get off him this instant

'' stupid female child ! '' Lord Garth added.

'' She must ingest a nihility like a cow if she could look at that without a whimper, '' the maid observed.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Had I impaled her the altogether cosmos would hold heard. ``

'' I stifled my scream, '' Hannah suggested as she bounced ineffectually upon my loins.

'' You could n't possibly, '' I said, `` I won best prong three full term running at school day ! ``

'' Yes I could ! '' she insisted.

'' Liar ! '' I replied.

'' Yes I could ! '' she challenged again, and in one ill advised movement I raised her up and as she fell I guided my prong towards her maidenhead, it parted with a howler that sent crowing scattering a mi hence, `` Aggghhhhhh ! '' she cried, `` Desist I beg of you or I shall never walk again ! ``

'' The pain will slip by soon enough, '' I suggested.

'' I can not yield it, '' she said and the tears flowed.

'' Just stay still, '' I suggested as I sobered very quickly, `` Perhaps your honour is intact ? '' I asked hopefully.

'' With half your prong inside her I think not ! '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Half ! '' Hannah cried and as she stilled she found herself sinking agonisingly ever further onto my prong, providing me with such recherche pleasure that I could stop myself no further and I lay back eyes closed to love the moment of expulsion.

'' Oh no, do n't you dare ! '' Lady Garth exclaimed but suddenly my loins were pumping and a quart and Thomas More of my stickiness surged forth within piteous Hannah.

'' Ohhhh, '' she gasped, `` momma ! ``

'' He 's claimed you you idiot ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` Come away, quickly, you saw zero nothing do you discover ! '' she insisted.

'' Oh, '' Hannah exclaimed when the room access finally shut.

'' Oh indeed, '' I agreed.

'' I am, '' Hannah said quietly, `` Undone, ''

'' No matter, '' I suggested, `` Get old Marchington drunk and he 'll never be any the wiser. ``

'' Was that only three parts in ? '' she asked.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` But climb off before I stiffen again. ``

'' Perhaps, '' she said, `` I do n't want to, for when shall I ever experience a trophy winning prong again ? ``

'' You Minx ! '' I cried, `` You Jezebel, '' but my prong was resurgent and speared upward into her well lubricated innards with the greatest of comfort.

'' Ohhh, '' she gasped at the renewed invasion, `` It 's huge ! ``

'' Is it too much ? '' I asked.

'' Perhaps ? '' she said, `` Perhaps not. ``

'' It 's not all the way in, '' I explained

'' Really ! '' she queried, `` It feels like it is, and Thomas More ! ``

'' No, it 's, the syndicate expletive, '' I explained, `` Few adult female can take the unit of a Pinkerton prong, those that can are prostitute, '' I added, `` I am cursed never to find the gross woman who can conduct my intact distance. ``

'' Then I am greatly relieved, '' she said and went to raise herself up but in doing so she slipped and slid down my prong even more, `` Nooooo, '' she wailed but to no outcome for she was so moist she slid right down to the very tooth root of my prong, `` Like that ? '' she asked.

'' Oh gosh yes, oh Miss Garth, I am enraptured.

'' I am impaled, I fear the pain will never sink, '' she protested.

'' Bear it stoically for indeed it will pass and for myself, '' I admitted, `` I am in accomplished Adam and in a bit I shall soothe your inner most parts. ``

'' No you must not, '' she protested, but my cream was already boiling Forth from my loins, `` Please I pray, '' she continued, `` No, oh lord no, '' and a great torrent gushed from me and I saw angels and the whole heavenly horde clapping and shouting and Hannah 's face had not the appearance of someone in pain in the ass, oh no far from it, she was as enraptured as I.

'' I fear I shall never take the air properly again, '' she observed, `` You have ruined me utterly, '' she protested, `` No man shall want me now. ``

'' And you have shown even a slender charwoman might take my distance and girth and lend me to the heights of Adam, '' I explained, `` volition you be my cocotte ? ``

'' Yes ! '' she agreed, as finally she climbed give up of me, `` When I marry the duke I shall visit you regularly. ``

'' Every Nox ? '' I asked.

'' Oh no, I must pass the nights with my husband, '' she declared, as she tried to stanch the outpouring of my seed busily escaping her.

'' In that example marry me ! '' I challenged.

'' I thank you for the form pass but, '' she paused, `` I can not reckon of a bingle reasonableness to refuse, except we do not know one another or like one another or. ``

'' But we do fornicate amiably enough, '' I interjected.

'' And you will live a life of sobriety ? '' she asked.

'' No, absolutely not ! '' I protested.

'' And stop chasing bawd ? '' she suggested.

'' Only when you are indisposed, '' I agreed.

'' And will love me ? '' she asked.

'' I can try, '' I agreed.

'' And you will lie and say I am beautiful, '' she asked.

I looked at her, `` There is no need for me to lie, you are beautiful, '' I told her.

'' Then so be it ! '' she agreed, `` I do n't want to marry a duke anyway, he smells. '' she confided and after a desirable full stop she slipped from my room.

I found my apparel at length and dressed as smartly as yesterdays attire would allow for and ventured Forth, my friends had already been apprised of my betrothal by my intend girl Hannah and I sat down to my repast to answer their taunts.

'' Pinkerton, what repast is this, a late break-fast or an early luncheon ? '' some wag asked,

'' I call it Brunch, '' I said, `` And later I shall withdraw high Teadinner. ``

'' Do n't be an idiot ! '' Bobby Fawkes chided, `` Brunch, what a ridiculous opinion, but why Pinkers ? '' he asked.

'' She took me lump deep, '' I said, `` Imagine, such a waife like countenance yet within there is a crack of eight in and more than ! ``

'' Oh ? '' Algy enquired, `` And your means of uncovering ? ``

'' I pronged her of trend ! '' I declared.

'' Oh ? '' Bobby declared, `` Dash it that 's a tad unsporting what with the duke having his heart set. ``

'' Ah well, '' I said, `` When it comes to estate of the realm they will always be trumped by the prong. ``

'' Easy for you to say Pinkers, '' Sam Verney chipped in, `` But what about those of us with human size prongs not the bollocks of a prize bull. ''

'' well that 's hardly my problem is it ? '' I informed them and I tucked into my brunch while wondering if shepherds pie, fried orchis, bacon and tomato was an entirely heady choice for my meal.

The noon came and with it my departure from the Southam Courtenay and its environs and for my rejoinder house, the more enobled having stayed with the Misses Fotheringay at Sutton Courtenay motor lodge or the housing planetary house in the yard and it was from there that a very angry Earl Marchington descended to call down me.

'' Pinkerton, where is Pinkerton, '' he demanded his piggy little eyes bulging through immensely thick eyeglasses framed in the thickest systema skeletale I ever regaled as he bent his nous up to comensate for his arched back and dumpy thick legs and a belly attestor to seventy year and more than of imbibing and eating to excess.

'' Here sir ! '' Algy announced even as I tried to fall away away the back way.

'' Pinkerton you cad ! '' he cried, `` come Forth that I might have got satisfaction ! ``

'' Sir ? '' I said as I had to return to the dining room to face him.

'' You abused my bespoken ! '' he accused, `` I demand satisfaction ! ``

'' Bessie the landlords girl is very suit, '' Bobby Fawkes suggested.

'' atonement sir ! '' he said, `` A duel ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I enquired, `` Why ? ``

'' You ravished my doll ! '' he insisted, `` Choose your artillery ! ``

'' Prongs at dawn ! '' Algy suggested.

'' You insult me sir, '' the Earl railed. `` I did not come here to be treated with insults ! ``

'' Oh, so precisely where do you go ? '' Algy enquired.

'' Prongs it is then sir, '' I said, `` We shall take two whores as like as alike as we may and the one that cries out garish is the achiever. ``

'' I meant the farseeing, '' Algy muttered.

'' You sir are depraved, '' the Earl muttered, `` Is the Landlord 's daughter abroad ? '' he asked, `` For do you know I feel inspiration. ``

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Though she is as ugly as a pig with a fragrance to match, ''

'' Ah, then this is she ! '' he agreed as he espied a well padded young char waddling towards us, `` Might I hassle you for a dalliance ? '' he asked his addled brain mistaking the woman for the Landlord 's daughter.

'' A trifling ? '' she demanded, `` A dalliance ! '' for far from the Landlord 's daughter it was indeed Molly Garth, Hannah 's baby that had come to see me.

'' You mock me ! '' the Earl demanded, `` You think I am incapable ! ''
I nearly burst my sides with the efforts of stifling my laugh

'' No sir, no but a dalliance ? '' she said.

'' dalliance, pronging, adultery, squall it what you will, '' he demanded, `` I have stirrings and I demand expiation ! ``

'' Damn it girl, my Lord Earl Marchington has needs, '' I insisted, as I almost shook with laughter, `` Disrobe now I say ! ``
'' Earl ? '' she queried, `` Earl Marchington ! ``

'' Indeed, quickly lady friend, '' he declared, `` I have stirrings ! ``

Fat ugly and slow down moving as she was mollie was not entirely stupe, `` Oh then let me console you, '' she lisped, and looked to me for assistance.

'' Disrobe, use my room, no the dining mesa might suffice. '' I suggested.

'' No ! '' Molly protested, `` I can not ! ``

'' Lend a handwriting Pinkerton, before the desire fades ! '' the Earl cried, and before I could react both Algy and Bobby had stepped forward and after a seconds thought so Sam came forward and they gently eased mollie towards the dining table, `` Disrobe her man ! '' the Earl cried.

'' For pities sake ! '' Molly cried as I watched, `` Unhand me ! '' she cried again but to my ignominy I just stood aside and watched as Molly was pulled towards the board and then reversed against it and rolled on her back and it was the piece of work of a moment to rive her skirts and underskirts up and so reveal her bloated belly and the sight of fur hiding her slot.

The Earl was now scrabbling at his flush laces, his breeches around his ankle and his prong revealed, some four or five inches in length yet improbably fat like his belly.

I looked at his prong and her belly and back again, it would never do, `` On the edge of the table ! '' I ordered, seeing that the Earl 's prong and table stood at the Sami height or thereabouts and at my bidding so the conjugation began, a complicated amour, with Algy holding mollie 's shoulders and Sam and Bobby holding her legs asplayed as the Earl approached with his prong rampant and slid it neatly within the furs of her time slot.

'' Oh ! '' Molly gasped as the Earl claimed her.

'' Like it do you wench ? '' The Earl asked.

Poor Molly, she knew not what to answer so she held her tongue while the Earl amused himself for a few mo until his eyes rolled signifying his moment of release and at that very here and now mollie 's mother stepped into the room.

'' Molly ! '' the mother cried.

'' I say ! '' the Earl cried, `` You might strike hard ! ``

'' Un handwriting my daughter ! '' she cried.

'' This is not your daughter this is the Landlord 's maid, '' the Earl cried, `` Can you not see she is fat as an ox and ugly as a unfounded boar ? ``

'' That sir is Molly my older daughter, '' peeress Garth insisted, `` Now rive your knee breeches up sir lest the goose bumps on your can frightens the horse. ``

'' Are you sure ? '' he asked, `` Your daughter you say ? '' he asked.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` And you barbarians holding hapless Molly down ! ''

'' My eye she would be a great comfort of a icy night, '' the Earl confessed, `` Nice and plump and willing. ``

'' You said she was ugly as a pig, my lord, '' I reminded him.

'' It matters not when the candles are blown out. '' he agreed, `` Look young Pinkerton, lets block our duelling, you have the dilute one and I 'll claim the plump one, are we agreed. ``

'' Indeed sir a upper-case letter suggestion, '' I agreed.

'' Do I have no say in this ? '' Molly asked.

'' No, not if you are to be a Countess ! '' dame Garth intoned, `` We shall get the public figure changed on the marriage permit forthwith, is three calendar week the following Saturday convenient for the marriage ceremony my Lord. ``

'' I believe so, '' the Earl agreed, `` Damn it I shall make it so. ``

'' But what about me ! '' Hannah protested.

'' I shall marry you ! '' I reminded her.

'' But you are a drunk and a fornicator ! '' Hannah 's mother protested.

'' Agreed, but I do take my geological fault, '' I admitted.

'' And when shall you marry me ? '' Hannah asked.

'' This very moment if you wish, '' I suggested

'' Before the lord ! '' she insisted.

'' Ah, '' Lord Garth suddenly announced, `` Have a dual festivity, hold open me a fate do n't you know.

'' Yes ! '' lady Garth agreed, wistfully, `` You always were a brassy skate why not state the public ! ``

'' And where shall we go ? '' Hannah asked.

'' Oh nobleman knows, '' I replied, `` capital of the United Kingdom, or Barsetshire or Scotland, follow the season, '' I explained.

'' But we must settle down down, buy a home ! '' Hannah insisted, `` An landed estate perhaps ! ``

'' Buy another house ! '' I protested, `` Damn it I have four already, Id'rather sell one than buy another ! ``

'' Four mansion ? '' she said in amazement.

'' Big ones, hundreds of churl hovel of course of study. '' I admitted, `` I leave all that to my man ! ``

'' Yes well, '' Lady Garth interjected, `` We well recognise how prone to exaggeration Lord Pinkerton is. ``

'' Me, exaggerate, '' I protested, `` On the contrary Madam, I habitually down play my natural endowment so as not to scare the fillies. ``

'' I do n't signify your prong ! '' Lady Garth explained, `` I mean your wealth. ``

'' If Hannah loves me then material things will not matter. '' I insisted, `` For where else will she find such a fulfilling prong ? ``

'' Is that right Mother ? '' Hannah queried.

'' How should I have a go at it ? '' the mother asked in embarrassment.

'' Why there is hardly a handmaiden that you have not at some time serviced, '' Almighty Grath reminded her, `` Indeed Hannah has the look of Colonel Templeman about her do you not think ? ``

'' No ! '' noblewoman Garth protested, `` She does not ! ``

'' Well she looks very very well in any case, '' I explained, `` So if you will excuse us I shall remind my beloved of the reward of marrying me ! '' and I snatched her up and whisked her away to my room and pronged her anew, though it must be admitted that when faced with that awkward box bed and cramped room it proved most efficatious when she sat on the very edge of the bed and then as I stood and pronged her so I lifted her authorize from the level forcing my humanness so deep into her that she squealed and wailed in X even as she wrapped her legs around me and I walked around the bedroom supporting her solely with my prong and there I found heaven .