Hannah.

'' Ah master Pinkerton ? '' an emboldened mature lady around my mother 's age accosted me as I lounged amiably enough with my cronies at the Misses Fotheringay 's ball at Southam Courtenay, `` Have you met my girl mollie ? ``

I looked past the matron and there through the fug of inebriety I believed I beheld an angel, a great vision in gleaming virtuous white, and at second glance an improbably plump one, `` No, I have n't had the pleasure, '' I agreed uncertainly for the seraphic Mull-berry wine-colored had had its effect on me.

'' I should go for not ! '' Algy declared, `` For she may have two legs, two sleeve, two bosoms and two eye, though remarkably dis interchangeable, but two chins Johnno, well you must draw a blood line somewhere ! ``

'' Ah, '' I agreed with a content burp, `` Indeed. ``

poor people molly turned and fled as fast as her considerable bulk would allow.

'' You sir are an abhorrence ! '' the mother averred.

'' Fattening her up for Christmas Day, '' Bobby Guy Fawkes chipped in, `` I like a plump chick at Christmastide ! ``

'' I 'd like to sit down, '' I suggested as I regretted mixing French and English language wine-colored so early in the evening.

'' You slight me sir ! '' the matron avowed.

'' Tell me, '' I asked, `` You have but one mentum, a dilute weasel like face, a narrow waist, thin spindly leg beneath that nightie I 'll wager, so how did you bear a sister elephant for a daughter ? '' It was said by way of an fair search for the truth.

'' I shall not stay on to be insulted ! '' the matron replied.

'' Oh, shall you go elsewhere ? '' Bobby enquired.

'' Oh it was no vilification Madam, '' Algy insisted, `` No Johnno seeks to bed you. ``

She half smiled, `` Indeed, then I shall inform my hubby, Lord Garth. ``

'' That great oaf, '' Samuel Verney added, `` I should quake in my flush if it were me. ``

'' Madam, '' I added, `` I have no great desire to wee-wee love to you, '' I insisted, `` Though I should certainly prefer you in my bed to that corking ox of a daughter, for she would surely bring out the bed flesh ! '' It seemed rummy at the time, you understand but the next thing Algy had to step forward to block up the matron striking me.

I can not recall much of the evening after that, but in the fullness of time I awoke in a bed in the Red Lion Inn in Southam Whiston with the sun high in the midday day sky and the tube and membranophone band of the Caithsby Militia playing inside my skill.

'' Oh my head, '' I croaked.

'' So you are not short ? '' an unfriendly female vocalisation boomed around inside my skull.

'' No brothel keeper. '' I agreed, `` Though if I spent the night with you I wish I were. ``

'' Indeed, '' she boomed,

'' Can you please keep the racket down. '' I asked, `` My head is bursting ! ``

'' You insulted my girl Molly, '' she insisted.

'' Oh god, Mrs Garth, '' I groaned.

'' gentlewoman Garth, '' she corrected me, `` What do you intend to do about it ? '' she demanded.

'' Absolutely nothing brothel keeper, for she is fat as a pig, '' I explained, `` I own I 'd rather kiss a pig than Molly, on account of the lesser number of chins they display. ``

'' Very well then, '' she said and began to shout, `` Unhand me you drunken oaf, '' and with theatrical flair she tore at her bodice and through its very well quaity and dainty needle oeuvre she dislodged but one solitary button where she sought to expose her boob to plain view.

'' Maker Pinkerton I am a married fair sex ! '' she protested and right on cue my doorway opened and there were Molly and the Inn steward 's amah as witness and Lord Garth himself, a frail creature of apparently octogenarian time of origin though in trueness he was but sixty such it was said was the voracity of Lady Garth 's Nox time demands that he had aged twenty long time in the firstly six months of marriage.

'' Hold heavy young Pinkerton, why are you dallying with the mem sahib ? '' he asked.

'' No idea sir, '' I explained, `` Your girl is fat as a pig sir, '' I said inelegantly, `` Lady Garth came to remonstrate.

'' Carry on then, '' he said from the doorway.

'' Daddy Lord Pinkerton has shown stallion disrespect for myself and our family, '' Molly cried.

'' But you are as fat as a pig honey, '' Creator Garth admitted and nodding towards his wife he continued, `` And watch that one for she 'll eat you live sir, '' he added as an after thought.

'' But my honour, challenge him Oswald, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Challenge, why he would win hands down, '' Lord Garth averred, `` No you challenge him if you see fit, I am taking a walk around the park, expert day. ``

Lady Garth stared in unbelief, `` He, '' she started to say.

'' Is a very wise man, peeress Garth, '' I added, `` May I wish you good day ? ''

'' No indeed you may not ! '' madam Garth insisted, `` Not until this thing is settled. ``

I groaned, my head was far from cleared yet, `` Then tolerate me some privateness that I may dress, ''
I asked reasonably enough.

'' No, I shall remain, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Then so be it, '' I suggested and I pulled my night shirt clean over my straits to stomach naked, sadly unaware that my cronies had writ `` Pinkertons Prong a shilling an minute, '' across my belly in lamp bleak in the depths of the night.

'' Oh ! '' lady Garth cried in surprise, `` Its huge ! ``

'' Oh, its huge ! '' cried Molly in alarm,

'' Oohh, its immense, '' the maid said admiringly as sensing the scent of a woman my prong raised himself to his full eight inch and more than of extension.

'' Put it away sir you will frighten the gymnastic horse, '' nobleman Garth said as he returned to seek the cause of the commotion, `` Or else do someone an injury. ``

'' Ooohh yes what an injury, '' the maid simpered.

'' Damn it where 's me breeches, '' I cursed as my night shirt descended to drape itself around the root of my prong leaving him straining still.

'' Marigold, plosive speech sound staring, '' Lord Garth councelled, `` Wife get away ! '' he repeated.

'' mama did he do it ? '' a fresh voice asked.

I looked an another maid had appeared, dressed in a mere White person shift, her aspect like the mother perhaps yet twenty long time her junior, blueness eyed and blonde of hair's-breadth, svelte where the sister was porcine, well proportioned where the baby was porcine, funfair of nerve where the sister was distinctly swinish, and she regaled my prong with a steely gaze as her tomentum flowed wild around her shoulders.

'' Look away girl ! '' Godhead Garth cried, but to no avail and though I knew it not at once the maid was smitten.

'' Uh, it 's huge ! '' she said, `` Poor mama ! ``

'' Hannah ! '' gentlewoman Garth cried, `` Look away, formula men are not so well endowed, so reverence not. ``

'' Earl Marchington ? '' Hannah asked.

'' How should I know, probably not, '' Lady Garth blushed, `` My Hannah is betrothed to Earl Marchington. ``

'' What old Freddie ! '' I asked.

'' No the old duffer, '' Hannah admitted, `` Freddie 's daddy, '' she continued, `` He is plentiful, we are not. ``

'' Your daughter is most forward sir, '' I suggested as I tried to cover my prong even as the throng pushed into my room as more joined to investigate the commotion.

'' I 'd be wed by now if only molly would get herself betrothed, '' Hannah argued.

'' Oh I see ! '' the fog cleared, slowly, `` And I have the entirely prong long enough to penetrate the voluptuous knoll of shape that protect Molly 's ah, respect ? ``

'' Yes in a nut case. '' Divine Garth suggested.

'' Just get out all of you ! '' I demanded.

'' Then I demand one hundred guineas of I shall report that you abused me carnally in the Nox ! '' Lady Garth said triumphantly.

'' Did I ? '' I queried, `` How ? ``

'' Oh what a question ! '' she snorted.

'' Indeed, '' Lord Garth confessed, `` There are an hundred and to a greater extent that will manifest to waking up with my lady Garth. ``

'' secrecy you imbecile, '' ma'am Gath replied, `` You make me sound like a harlot ! ``

I looked around, there were seven crowded into the tiny elbow room, the box bed and hospital ward robe encroached further and there was still no sign of my breeches, nor undergarments.

'' And where exactly do you presuppose we conjoined ? '' I asked. `` On the base ? '' I spread my arms wide indicating there was an insufficiency of space, `` Or in the box bed ? '' I enquired.

'' On the bed of course of study ! '' the mother insisted.

'' And where should your spreadhead legs go ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, indeed, '' Lord Garth agreed, `` The sides of the box bed would impinge most painfully. ``

'' With Mummy on top then, '' Hannah declared.

'' Really, '' I enquired and I lay back on the bed and showed just how tightly the sides fitted me, `` And where would her knee go. ? ``

There was a rustle of linen, a white angel appeared and leapt upon the bed like a playful gun dog, `` Like so ! '' Hannah insisted, and she planted a knee each incline of my hip bones.

'' Your mother is neither lithe nor agile as you ! '' I declared.

'' But it is possible, '' Hannah insisted.

'' Hannah get down this instant ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` You are betrothed ! ``

But it was all too late for she began to lapse down, as as she did she pulled her sack and mine so that no one saw my prong slide up the front of her venter and all believed I had pronged her.

'' Hannah ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` Get off him this instant

'' pudding head little girl ! '' Lord Garth added.

'' She must stimulate a nullity like a cow if she could take that without a whimper, '' the maid observed.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Had I impaled her the unharmed world would possess heard. ``

'' I stifled my thigh-slapper, '' Hannah suggested as she bounced ineffectually upon my loins.

'' You could n't possibly, '' I said, `` I won best prong three condition running at schoolhouse ! ``

'' Yes I could ! '' she insisted.

'' liar ! '' I replied.

'' Yes I could ! '' she challenged again, and in one ill advised movement I raised her up and as she fell I guided my prong towards her virginal membrane, it parted with a scream that sent crows scattering a mile hence, `` Aggghhhhhh ! '' she cried, `` Desist I beg of you or I shall never walk again ! ``

'' The annoyance will go past soon enough, '' I suggested.

'' I can not bear it, '' she said and the snag flowed.

'' Just stay still, '' I suggested as I sobered very quickly, `` Perhaps your honour is intact ? '' I asked hopefully.

'' With half your prong inside her I think not ! '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Half ! '' Hannah cried and as she stilled she found herself sinking agonisingly ever further onto my prong, providing me with such recherche pleasure that I could contain myself no promote and I lay back eye closed to love the moment of expulsion.

'' Oh no, do n't you dare ! '' madam Garth exclaimed but suddenly my loins were pumping and a dry quart and more of my stickiness surged forth within poor Hannah.

'' Ohhhh, '' she gasped, `` momma ! ``

'' He 's claimed you you idiot ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` come away, quickly, you saw cipher nothing do you get wind ! '' she insisted.

'' Oh, '' Hannah exclaimed when the door finally shut.

'' Oh indeed, '' I agreed.

'' I am, '' Hannah said quietly, `` Undone, ''

'' No matter, '' I suggested, `` Get old Marchington drunk and he 'll never be any the wiser. ``

'' Was that only three theatrical role in ? '' she asked.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` But climb off before I stiffen again. ``

'' Perhaps, '' she said, `` I do n't want to, for when shall I ever live a prize winning prong again ? ``

'' You Minx ! '' I cried, `` You Jezebel, '' but my prong was resurgent and speared upward into her well lubricated innards with the outstanding of informality.

'' Ohhh, '' she gasped at the renewed intrusion, `` It 's immense ! ``

'' Is it too often ? '' I asked.

'' Perhaps ? '' she said, `` Perhaps not. ``

'' It 's not all the way in, '' I explained

'' Really ! '' she queried, `` It feels like it is, and more ! ``

'' No, it 's, the class curse, '' I explained, `` Few women can choose the whole of a Pinkerton prong, those that can are cocotte, '' I added, `` I am cursed never to see the arrant cleaning lady who can carry my entire length. ``

'' Then I am greatly relieved, '' she said and went to raise herself up but in doing so she slipped and slid down my prong even more, `` Nooooo, '' she wailed but to no burden for she was so moist she slid right down to the very ancestor of my prong, `` Like that ? '' she asked.

'' Oh gosh yes, oh Miss Garth, I am enraptured.

'' I am impaled, I fear the annoyance will never settle, '' she protested.

'' Bear it stoically for indeed it will pass and for myself, '' I admitted, `` I am in complete disco biscuit and in a moment I shall soothe your inner most parting. ``

'' No you must not, '' she protested, but my cream was already boiling forth from my loins, `` delight I pray, '' she continued, `` No, oh master no, '' and a big torrent gushed from me and I saw angels and the whole heavenly boniface clapping and cheering and Hannah 's typeface had not the appearance of someone in painfulness, oh no far from it, she was as enraptured as I.

'' I fear I shall never walk properly again, '' she observed, `` You have ruined me utterly, '' she protested, `` No man shall want me now. ``

'' And you have shown even a slender fair sex might need my length and cinch and fetch me to the heights of XTC, '' I explained, `` Will you be my woman of the street ? ``

'' Yes ! '' she agreed, as finally she climbed devoid of me, `` When I marry the duke I shall visit you regularly. ``

'' Every night ? '' I asked.

'' Oh no, I must spend the nights with my married man, '' she declared, as she tried to stem the photoflood of my ejaculate busily escaping her.

'' In that case marry me ! '' I challenged.

'' I thank you for the form whirl but, '' she paused, `` I can not think of a single reason to refuse, except we do not lie with one another or like one another or. ``

'' But we do fornicate amiably enough, '' I interjected.

'' And you will live a life-time of sombreness ? '' she asked.

'' No, absolutely not ! '' I protested.

'' And stop chasing woman of the street ? '' she suggested.

'' Only when you are indisposed, '' I agreed.

'' And will hump me ? '' she asked.

'' I can try, '' I agreed.

'' And you will lie and say I am beautiful, '' she asked.

I looked at her, `` There is no need for me to lie, you are beautiful, '' I told her.

'' Then so be it ! '' she agreed, `` I do n't desire to marry a duke anyway, he smells. '' she confided and after a worthy period she slipped from my room.

I found my clothes at distance and dressed as smartly as yesterdays attire would permit and ventured forth, my booster had already been apprised of my betrothal by my intended Miss Hannah and I sat down to my meal to answer their taunts.

'' Pinkerton, what meal is this, a late break-fast or an early on lunch ? '' some wag asked,

'' I call it Brunch, '' I said, `` And later I shall look at gamy Teadinner. ``

'' Do n't be an idiot ! '' Bobby Fawkes chided, `` Brunch, what a ridiculous notion, but why Pinkers ? '' he asked.

'' She took me globe deep, '' I said, `` Imagine, such a waife like imprimatur yet within there is a scissure of eight column inch and more ! ``

'' Oh ? '' Algy enquired, `` And your means of discovery ? ``

'' I pronged her of course ! '' I declared.

'' Oh ? '' Bobby declared, `` shoot it that 's a tad unsporting what with the duke having his heart set. ``

'' Ah well, '' I said, `` When it comes to estate they will always be trumped by the prong. ``

'' Easy for you to say Pinkers, '' Sam Verney chipped in, `` But what about those of us with human sizing prongs not the bollocks of a prize bull. ''

'' Well that 's hardly my problem is it ? '' I informed them and I tucked into my brunch while wondering if sheepherder pie, fried ballock, bacon and tomato was an entirely wise choice for my meal.

The noon came and with it my difference from the Southam Courtenay and its environment and for my return nursing home, the more enobled having stayed with the Misses Fotheringay at Sutton Courtenay Court or the lodging mansion in the grounds and it was from there that a very tempestuous Earl Marchington descended to rebuke me.

'' Pinkerton, where is Pinkerton, '' he demanded his piggy trivial middle bulging through immensely thick eyeglasses framed in the thickest frames I ever regaled as he bent his headway up to comensate for his arched back and stumpy thick legs and a belly witness to seventy years and Sir Thomas More of boozing and eating to excess.

'' Here sir ! '' Algy announced even as I tried to slew away the stake way.

'' Pinkerton you cad ! '' he cried, `` seed Forth River that I might have expiation ! ``

'' Sir ? '' I said as I had to retrovert to the dining room to face him.

'' You abused my betrothed ! '' he accused, `` I demand atonement ! ``

'' Bessie the landlords daughter is very admit, '' Bobby Fawkes suggested.

'' Satisfaction sir ! '' he said, `` A affaire d'honneur ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I enquired, `` Why ? ``

'' You ravished my wench ! '' he insisted, `` take your weapon system ! ``

'' Prongs at cockcrow ! '' Algy suggested.

'' You insult me sir, '' the Earl railed. `` I did not come here to be treated with insults ! ``

'' Oh, so precisely where do you go ? '' Algy enquired.

'' Prongs it is then sir, '' I said, `` We shall pick out two whores as like as alike as we may and the one that cries out loudest is the winner. ``

'' I meant the long, '' Algy muttered.

'' You sir are depraved, '' the Earl muttered, `` Is the Landlord 's daughter abroad ? '' he asked, `` For do you get laid I feel stirrings. ``

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Though she is as ugly as a pig with a bouquet to correspond, ''

'' Ah, then this is she ! '' he agreed as he espied a fountainhead padded Loretta Young woman waddling towards us, `` mightiness I trouble you for a dalliance ? '' he asked his addled brainpower mistaking the womanhood for the Landlord 's daughter.

'' A dalliance ? '' she demanded, `` A flirting ! '' for far from the Landlord 's daughter it was indeed molly Garth, Hannah 's babe that had come to see me.

'' You mock me ! '' the Earl demanded, `` You think I am incapable ! ''
I nearly burst my side of meat with the feat of stifling my laughter

'' No sir, no but a dalliance ? '' she said.

'' Dalliance, pronging, criminal conversation, name it what you will, '' he demanded, `` I have stirring and I demand satisfaction ! ``

'' Damn it miss, my Creator Earl Marchington has needs, '' I insisted, as I almost shook with laugh, `` Disrobe now I say ! ``
'' Earl ? '' she queried, `` Earl Marchington ! ``

'' Indeed, quickly girl, '' he declared, `` I have stirrings ! ``

Fat ugly and decelerate moving as she was Molly was not entirely unintelligent, `` Oh then let me console you, '' she lisped, and looked to me for assistance.

'' Disrobe, use my room, no the dining table might answer. '' I suggested.

'' No ! '' Molly protested, `` I can not ! ``

'' Lend a deal Pinkerton, before the desire fades ! '' the Earl cried, and before I could react both Algy and Bobby had stepped forward and after a seconds thought so Sam came forward and they gently eased mollie towards the dining mesa, `` Disrobe her man ! '' the Earl cried.

'' For pity sake ! '' Molly cried as I watched, `` Unhand me ! '' she cried again but to my shame I just stood aside and watched as molly was pulled towards the board and then reversed against it and rolled on her back and it was the work of a bit to take out her chick and underskirts up and so reveal her bloated belly and the mass of fur hiding her slot.

The Earl was now scrabbling at his boot lace, his rear of tube around his ankles and his prong revealed, some four or five inch in length yet improbably fat like his belly.

I looked at his prong and her belly and back again, it would never do, `` On the bound of the tabular array ! '' I ordered, seeing that the Earl 's prong and table stood at the Same height or thereabouts and at my bidding so the mating began, a complicate matter, with Algy holding Molly 's shoulders and Sam and Bobby holding her legs asplayed as the Earl approached with his prong rampant and slid it neatly within the pelt of her slot.

'' Oh ! '' Molly gasped as the Earl claimed her.

'' Like it do you wench ? '' The Earl asked.

Poor mollie, she knew not what to reply so she held her tongue while the Earl amused himself for a few minute until his eyes rolled signifying his mo of release and at that very consequence mollie 's female parent stepped into the room.

'' Molly ! '' the mother cried.

'' I say ! '' the Earl cried, `` You might knock ! ``

'' Un hired hand my daughter ! '' she cried.

'' This is not your daughter this is the Landlord 's housemaid, '' the Earl cried, `` Can you not see she is fat as an ox and ugly as a wild Sus scrofa ? ``

'' That sir is Molly my older girl, '' ma'am Garth insisted, `` Now deplume your rear of barrel up sir lest the goose bump on your backside frightens the horse. ``

'' Are you sure ? '' he asked, `` Your daughter you say ? '' he asked.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` And you barbarians holding misfortunate mollie down ! ''

'' My eye she would be a great solace of a frosty night, '' the Earl confessed, `` Nice and plump and bequeath. ``

'' You said she was ugly as a pig, my lord, '' I reminded him.

'' It matters not when the candles are blown out. '' he agreed, `` reckon youth Pinkerton, lets forget our duelling, you have the thin one and I 'll take the plump one, are we agreed. ``

'' Indeed sir a Capital suggestion, '' I agreed.

'' Do I have no say in this ? '' Molly asked.

'' No, not if you are to be a Countess ! '' peeress Garth intoned, `` We shall get the gens changed on the married couple licence forthwith, is three weeks the next Sat convenient for the wedding my lord. ``

'' I believe so, '' the Earl agreed, `` Damn it I shall reach it so. ``

'' But what about me ! '' Hannah protested.

'' I shall tie you ! '' I reminded her.

'' But you are a drunkard and a fornicator ! '' Hannah 's mother protested.

'' Agreed, but I do have got my faults, '' I admitted.

'' And when shall you marry me ? '' Hannah asked.

'' This very mo if you wish, '' I suggested

'' Before the Almighty ! '' she insisted.

'' Ah, '' Maker Garth suddenly announced, `` Have a two-baser celebration, save me a fortune do n't you know.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth agreed, wistfully, `` You always were a cheap skate why not order the world ! ``

'' And where shall we live ? '' Hannah asked.

'' Oh God Almighty knows, '' I replied, `` London, or Barsetshire or Scotland, follow the season, '' I explained.

'' But we must settle down, buy a house ! '' Hannah insisted, `` An Estate perhaps ! ``

'' Buy another menage ! '' I protested, `` Damn it I have four already, Id'rather sell one than buy another ! ``

'' Four houses ? '' she said in amazement.

'' Big ace, hundred of peasants hovels of course. '' I admitted, `` I leave all that to my man ! ``

'' Yes well, '' Lady Garth interjected, `` We well know how prone to exaggeration Almighty Pinkerton is. ``

'' Me, exaggerate, '' I protested, `` On the contrary brothel keeper, I habitually down flirt my endowment so as not to frighten the fillies. ``

'' I do n't mean your prong ! '' Lady Garth explained, `` I mean your wealthiness. ``

'' If Hannah loves me then textile things will not matter. '' I insisted, `` For where else will she get such a fulfilling prong ? ``

'' Is that right wing mother ? '' Hannah queried.

'' How should I know ? '' the mother asked in embarrassment.

'' Why there is hardly a handmaiden that you have not at some time serviced, '' Creator Grath reminded her, `` Indeed Hannah has the look of Colonel Templeman about her do you not call back ? ``

'' No ! '' ma'am Garth protested, `` She does not ! ``

'' Well she looks very fine in any case, '' I explained, `` So if you will rationalise us I shall remind my beloved of the advantages of marrying me ! '' and I snatched her up and whisked her away to my room and pronged her anew, though it must be admitted that when faced with that awkward box bed and cramped room it proved most efficatious when she sat on the very border of the bed and then as I stood and pronged her so I lifted her clear from the base forcing my humanness so deep into her that she squealed and wailed in ecstasy even as she wrapped her legs around me and I walked around the bedroom supporting her solely with my prong and there I found heaven .